How does a wife/mother help their husband and thier daughter become as close as they once were. I know that as our daughters age they have things that they can talk about with just thier Mom's.
My husband and I have been blessed (yes, I said blessed) with three daughters. Our oldest is 18 and she has been one of the most challenging people I know. She has put our family through alot. I am not going to get in to too much detail. She is not what this is about.
Our middle daughter is 15. It's so hard to believe. I understand that with each child it's different. My husband and I have always thought that she knows way more then she should. Friends and family have said things like she has such an "old soul". She is so smart, such a wonderful girl, has such a great head on her shoulder. She has and is all these things. She still loves us and still likes to hang around our family. She tells me that I am her best friend and her favorite person. That she can talk to me about anything.
This is where my question comes in. This used to be the realationship that she had with her Dad. Please don't misunderstand. She still has a great relationship with him. For the past year, maybe a little longer. They have both come to me and said that they miss the way it used to be. That they both want back what they used to have.
I have told her that Daddy feels the same way. That he too wants that relationship back. She has expressed that she does try to talk to him and that things always turn to her school or to tennis. That she just wishes that he would talk to her about other things.
I have tried so hard to get them back on track. Telling them that they have both come to me and talked to me about these things. What the concerns the one and with the other. Trying to make sure that they get some alone time together. Or when we are together to try and get them to talk just about stuff.
Recently my husband asked my daughter to get up and go play tennis with him. Out came the big sigh from her. Dad, it's suppose to rain and be cold. I don't want to get up that early. I can hear this conversation. Hubby brings up the fact that she used to get up early and play tennis with him. I piped in and said "I remember that!" They are planning on doing a Tri-atalon together this summer. They did it last year. maybe training will spark something.
I talked with my daughter today about this. I didn't mean to make her cry,but she did. I told her I understood when she spoke once again about "all it seems like he wants to talk about is school and Tennis." I know Sweetie, and I know it get frustrating. Sometimes it seems like your dad and I cover the same ground on things too. I think it's because maybe neither one of them knows how to do this father/daughter thing any more. That they just don't know what the one wants to talk about or not talk about. Daughter wants to steer away from school and tennis, Dad is focused on her future and wants to make sure she succeeds in the things she is doing now to get her where she wants to be later in life.
My hubby is in the military and this summer will leave for his fifth tour over seas. Although to most people July sounds like a long ways off. To him it's really not. He feels like he has so much to do before that time. Things on the house. Money stuff. Car stuff. Making sure that he gets to visit all the people he wants to see before he leaves. Making sure he spends as much time as possible with us. Doing things for his parents. I have told him to slow down. I know it's hard for him to do that. I ask him what I can do to help.
The thing that is weighing on me the most right now is this whole realationship with our middle daughter. It's hard for me to see them both struggle for something they both want. They are two of the most amazing people I know. Relationships no matter who they are with are hard. They all take work. How do I make this easier for them?
Would it be fair to tell my daughther, "Look you know that Daddy wants to talk about school and tennis with you. How about you give him a time limit of talking about these things. 10 minutes and that is it. Then you have to talk to him about something you don't normally talk to him about for 10 minutes."
One thing I did tell her today was to sit down and ask Dad to make a list of all the things that he wants to get done before he leaves. Then pick out somethings that you can help him with. Then help him when the time comes. Try not to give that 15 year old "Oh,my gosh" sigh. Just go and help him. Make a list of things that you want to do with him.
She told me that she does ask him to do things and he says that he is busy. This is where the slow down part comes in. I gave her permission to take her Dad by the hand or take his face in her hands, look him right in those big brown eyes of his and say, "Dad, this is me asking you to do something with me. Can that thing wait?" And at the same time when he asks her to do something get off the couch and do . Go to the store with him. Go to Grandma and Grandpa's with him. Ask him to go to Gander Mountain! Her reply to me on that one was "we were just there"! I pointed out that one it doesn't matter. That is a place he likes to go. And two if you were just at Michale's with me one day and I wanted to go the next three days in a row you would go with me. " Not to mention that she would go to Borders or any bookstore.
She is out at my Mom's for a couple of days. She had said she needed to get off the phone and go finish dinner. She was making something out of this cookbook that she had gotten for Christmas. I told her there is another thing you could do! Daddy love to go grocery shopping and loves to cook. Make a date for both of those things. That would be awesome.
I just want everyone that I love to be happy. I want so badly for them to have that closeness they used to have back. Again, the big question is how do I do that?
Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts today,
CJ
